In Defense of Zach Braff's Kickstarter Campaign

There has been a lot of controversy lately over whether established "industry" people like Zach Braff should be using www.kickstarter.com as a source of funding for their projects.  Is it fair to struggling artists that someone with a massive fan base can just waltz into their beacon of indie-filmmaking hope and score a couple million dollars out of it?  Especially considering how many dreams get crushed when projects fail to meet their targets.  I certainly understand the skepticism, which has been addressed elsewhere ad nauseum.  But I also think there are a lot of advantages that can trickle down to the emerging filmmaker.

I remember when I wrote my very first script. It was for a video youth program I was in, and I had to give it to someone else to direct it.  It ended up being a disastrous mess.  So did the next one.

Filmmakers put a crazy amount of thought and effort into their work, and it really fucking sucks when someone else destroys it.  Instead of feeling proud you feel angry and helpless, and maybe even betrayed.  And that's the thing about producers.  Not to trash talk producers, because they have a crucial role in film production and I love them.  But their job is to think about money and how to get the most possible.  A Director's job is to try their best to realize their vision. (I know that's oversimplified and a great producer will bring something extra and unique to a project.  But the butting-head relationship between a director and a producer is certainly not a new one.)

My understanding is that one of the reasons  Zach Braff turned to the kickstarter program was that greater powers were forcing him to give up some of his creative control.  In other words, compromising his vision.  One thing that I think is really great about someone as high profile as Zach Braff using this method is that it gives back some autonomy to the creative minds.  It demonstrates to producers that if they don't want to respect the decisions of directors there is an alternative route that empowers the director.  The rules have changed.  It shifts the balance of power in a totally unprecedented way, which I think could be really good for artists.

People have also been focusing on this being an established industry man seeking funding by a means that is both exploitative to his fans, and unfair to up and coming filmmakers who really truly need this resource.  As a starving artist I can definitely appreciate that perspective.  But on the other hand, what if, hypothetically, his casting choice gives work to emerging actors, and this could be their big breakthrough role. A producer would want to cast Jennifer Lawrence or Tom Hanks or some other Hollywood A-lister.  But  maybe this could actually be used as an opportunity to give deserving artists their necessary break.  Maybe it actually could benefit the underdog.  I mean, I've seen the amount he's requesting and I'm pretty sure it's nowhere close to Brangelina's going rate.

Another positive aspect of high profile celebrities participating is that it increases awareness about these micro-finance programs.  Countless people who would otherwise not know about them are gaining insight and becoming active participants in creating projects of all genres. Sure the vast majority of his financiers are probably only interested in his film, but there are likely other beneficiaries whose projects are being viewed and funded by people who would otherwise not even be on kickstarter.   Celebrities are increasing traffic to the site, and I highly doubt that's a bad thing.

One would seriously hope that celebrities aren't just using it as a cash grab and then bailing.  Ideally they're using it as an opportunity to learn about exciting new projects in the works, and helping emerging artists realize their goals.  If they're not giving back to the kickstarter community, then I will happily say they are assholes.

Another Lena Dunham Article

In the pilot episode of the award winning HBO series Girls, Lena Dunham's lead character "Hannah" makes a bold and memorable declaration.  After getting cut off financially by her parents she tries to win back their money with the statement "I think I might be the voice of my generation".  Although she was whacked out on opium tea when she said it, critics have put a lot of stake in these words.  Here are a few reasons I think she may be right.

1. The Do It For Free Generation
Hannah is a struggling writer with a great internship that she's had for a really long time, and one day it's going to lead to something really big.  For real!  Until she gets fired for requesting payment for her efforts.   The fact is probably 99% of people working in arts and entertainment have heard the phrase "It's not a paid job, but it's really good experience".

One of the best ways to make money today is to find a method of giving away other people's stuff for free.  Seriously.  Since at least the days of Napster, society has held a sense of entitlement where people get angry if they have to pay for things.  Particularly creative content.  Whether it be music, movies, television, photos, or writing, the internet has pretty much removed all value from it and skewed public perception of what is actually required to produce it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm broke so I like getting free stuff as much as the next cultural leach.  And it's true that many of these positions genuinely are "really good experience".  However, one of the reasons why so many people of the Lena Dunham generation are broke is because "experience" isn't an actual currency.  At some point people need to eat, and possibly sleep under a roof.  However, today's consumers would rather spend five hours looking for the right link and waiting for it to load in crappy quality.

The result is that Hannah belongs to a generation that has no way of knowing if they should give up or keep going because maybe those five years of volunteer experience really will pay off in the end???  Maybe she really does have a gift that just takes time to be realized.  Maybe she really is the voice of her generation.  But with the juggling of all the for-free work and education and skills upgrading and the necessary underemployment required to keep from starving to death, young people are spending the most creative years of their lives too overextended and malnourished to actually create anything.

2. The Post-Sex And The City Generation
Fact: Carrie Bradshaw is the devil.
Like so many women of her generation, Hannah and her friends got wrapped up in the idealistically glamorous life of cosmopolitans and Manolo Blahniks and a successful freelance writing career.  It all seemed so real!  Carrie Bradshaw had boy problems like the rest of us, people gave her dirty looks sometimes, her computer crashed with no backup, and even though she didn't always have her shit together she could still afford $12 brownies.  Carrie Bradshaw somehow tricked millions of women into believing in this glossy Vogue fantasy.

But then it all turned out not to be real!!! :(

The Lena Dunham experience is like a nightmarish Sex and the City hangover where you realize that daily fancy lunches followed by a quickie with Chris Noth isn't actual life for most people, and for some reason that's really sad.  Sex and the City was like Santa Claus for big girls, and Girls is that precise moment when the magic is gone and all that is left under the tree is socks and deodorant and torn up wrapping paper.  The culture of entitlement strikes again.

3. The Voice of My Generation Generation
Social definition is a crucial part of identity, so a sense of belonging to a generation is necessary for people.  At least in North America.  (I need to specify because a friend of mine from India recently explained to me that in India children of all ages grow up playing together, and there is such a huge sense of community that the idea of specific time-coded generations seems like a ridiculous concept.  A small part of me agrees, but most of me really misses Bonkers candy and original Nintendo.  Gooooooo X/Y Hybrid Generation!)

Anyway, based on "western" definitions, Generations X and Y and the In-between Generation are all apparently super horny for nostalgia.  In articulating whether Care Bears, Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers are the most representative cultural artifact of our time, we decidedly become authorities on defining not only ourselves, but our entire "generation".   See, I'm doing it right now!

The idea that a single person believes they speak for an entire generation is not unique to Lena Dunham, it's an actual generation thing.  Our opinions are so much bigger than ourselves.  That is probably why there are a billion social media sites to enable all the aspiring voices of generations to have a platform on which to be the voice of their generation.  I could just as easily call this section "The OMG I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME Generation".  Which is why when Hannah says "I think I might be the voice of my generation" she's actually identifying one of the specific reasons why that's completely true.

4. The Woman-Hating Feminist Generation
Feminism confuses me.  A lot of times it seems like it's mostly about hating other women for being the wrong kind of feminist.  Instead of being a way to support other women, feminism seems to have become this arena where women are pitted against one another to fight to the death.  It is messy and ugly, and totally not what I signed up for.

In my mind feminism is this happy world where women can vote and be paid equally and have potential for career advancement.  They definitely do not get raped or assaulted and then blamed for it.  And politicians definitely don't believe that women are equipped with special rape-recognizing uteruses that prevent pregnancy by just "shutting that whole thing down".  Women are free to be who they choose to be, free of judgement and contempt.  There are also unicorns.  In fact, Lena Dunham is a unicorn.

In a sense feminism is kind of getting at the whole equal opportunity and freedom of expression business, but there is so much debate that everyone comes out looking stupid and evil.  Feminism is an intellectual UFC, but instead of providing entertainment it carries the ability to make or break social progress for an entire gender.  Feminism is actually kind of terrifying.

Lena Dunham has become like the personification of the feminism war.  She is somehow conveyed as both the exact symbol of feminism and the woman who is destroying the feminist plight at the same time.

Lena Dunham is a terrible person because:
First, and most obviously, she gets naked and has a lot of sex on her show which perpetuates the oversexualization of women.
Second, she misrepresents herself as someone who understands the plight of the struggling 20-something woman even though she grew up with a silver spoon of caviar.  She knows nothing.
Third, she thinks she's so great.

Lena Dunham is the best feminist ever because:
1. She owns her body and her sexuality and stands up to all the critics who think less than perfect women don't have a right to disrobe.
2. Regardless of how much caviar she ate as a child, the fact is many people like her show because they can identify with it.  As much as everyone thinks they're the voice of a generation, the fact is every generation has billions of voices and experiences that no single person can define.  But there is no rule against trying, nor should there be.  She may not have everyone's story, but she has a story, and it's enjoyable to watch for some people.  And luckily for anyone who doesn't enjoy it there is no rule against shutting it off.
3. She has more or less full creative control on one of the most acclaimed shows on television today.  She is clearly a smart and hard-working woman whose talent and ambition have led her to success.  Maybe we can be happy for her.

Personally I think feminism expects and demands too much of her.  Society definitely does.  Maybe she provoked it with the statement "I think I might be the voice of my generation", or maybe  it was just a line in a television show that was funny and a little opium inspired and true of her generation.  Either way I'm pretty okay with having Lena Dunham as my cultural representative.

*99.9% of feminists hate me for at least one thing I've said in this note.  I am now going to Taylor Swift's Feminist Hell for bad Feminists.

Django vs. Lincoln

image at http://cinematicfrontier.wordpress.com/2012/12/26/dp30-samuel-l-jackson-on-django-unchained/

The controversy surrounding Django has been of great interest to me because words cannot even describe how much I hate racism and the exploitation of human beings, and also Quentin Tarantino is my favourite Director of all time. Some people might think racial sensitivity and being a Q fan are mutually exclusive, but I do not believe that to be the case.

“Django Unchained” made me HATE slavery. It made me hate the philosophy behind it, the institution of it, the perpetrators of it, and the people who benefited from it. There were scenes in this movie where I was literally squirming in my seat because I was so uncomfortably horrified, and scenes that made me feel physically ill. That is, in my opinion, exactly how one should feel when thinking about slavery.

 When I sat through “Lincoln” I felt bored and lethargic, and barely knew there was any racial debate surrounding the abolishment of slavery. The 13th Amendment was more or less a political strategy to stop getting all the white kids killed in the war, and it was passed by white men in top hats who either had little to no interest in racial equality, or were vehemently opposed to it. I can appreciate the fact that Lincoln was about the bureaucracy of ending slavery at a time when people generally wouldn`t have been activists for 21<sup>st</sup> century definitions of “equality”, but I resented this movie for making me not care. Spielberg is the same man who brought us “Schindler`s List”, so there is no doubt he is capable of making an audience loathe and mourn injustice. How could he so obviously dodge the issue of oppression of black slaves in America? (And also why was Daniel Day Lewis impersonating Bill Clinton in some parts?)

I understand that Django uses “the N word” more than people are comfortable with. In all honesty it makes me a lot more uncomfortable hearing it trivialized in “Pulp Fiction” than hearing it in a movie like Django where it was very much contextual. To have a movie set in Antebellum south that did not use the word liberally would have been dishonest and insulting to the intelligence of the audience.

Another key aspect of the film people took issue with was the fact that it was a campy spaghetti western that made people laugh at times. The argument was that it makes light of racism and involuntary servitude. However, what I consider the funniest scene in the history of cinema never would have happened if we were to dismiss the right to use humour in tackling serious subjects. I am, of course, referring to the part about the KKK overnight raid which had the audience laughing hysterically for 3 minutes straight. In addition to being a brilliantly written scene, it established a sense of idiocy for the people who hold white supremacist values. It made the KKK come across as cartoonishly stupid in a way that only a satirical account could. Tarantino sets this tone where you can`t possibly take their ideas seriously because, just look at them!

Moral of the story: If we refuse to let artists tell stories the way they want to tell them we create a dilemma where people can`t express themselves at all. Spike Lee does a disservice to the arts, and more importantly to freedom of speech, because he creates an environment that is so hostile it destroys any hope of critical debate by trying to push it all under the surface where we can`t see it or think about it. Then we end up in a position where if racially marginalized groups are not visible in film it`s whitewashing, and if it`s done wrong it`s racist, so everyone just has to shut up. A situation where we have to suppress freedom of expression because Spike Lee might get mad is indicative that things are not okay. That we are not as close to a fair and equal society as we want to be or think we are. If we censor artists because they are the wrong race to make a particular statement, how does this help to develop a society of progress? 

The Under-domesticated Girl`s Guide to Getting Pot-Lucky (Canadian Edition)

Once upon a time I was young.  Being young meant that going to parties involved bringing a very large bottle of vodka and/or a 24 of Canadian, and that was pretty much it.

Being a grown-up is different.  Gone are the days of people being impressed with your ability to chug 8 litres of hard liquor through a hose without puking for 30 seconds.  Now you have to prove to everyone that you are a functional member of society based on your ability to mold fancy hors d`oeuvres into the shape of a swan while holding down a job that grants both medical AND dental benefits, and investing in your child`s Harvard Law future.  Adulthood is the worst!

Being a grown-up does not suit me for many reasons. I am a commitmentophobe who is afraid of babies and I can`t cook at all.  Not even a little.  I mean, I`ve never actually poisoned anyone with my cooking, but I`ve also never really impressed anyone with it either.  Maybe because when I find something I think might be fun to make I start reading the recipe and then just get really bored. The story is always the same: Add salt, stir until thick, cook for blah blah blah...  And there`s never any character development!

Being a grown-up means that you have to pre-plan for parties so you can show off your outstanding culinary skills in a way that is not only delicious, but also clever, whimsical, and adorable.  You have to make people at the party say things like "Oh my goodness I think my tongue just had an orgasm", because that is the kind of thing that not-young people like to say at parties and then everyone laughs because it is silly and edgy and hilariously inappropriate. People will tell you that the thing they made was really no big deal and that they just whipped it up at the last minute, but they are lying. Fruit does not naturally come shaped like flowers. You are fooling no-one.

Being a grown-up means pretending that you are from Europe, so you have classy European habits.  And I`m not referring to Henry Miller`s Tropic of Cancer kind of Europe. I mean like stereotype Europe.  You can no longer justify that pizza is nutritious because it has cheese and vegetables.  You have to have a more sophisticated palate and pretend like Foie Gras isn`t a completely disturbing concept.  But here`s the secret weapon that will protect all my fellow under-domesticated grown-ups from being sucked into the culture of adulthood: Grown-ups are nostalgic for their youth.

So, with that in mind, here are a couple of great ideas from my kitchen to yours on how to Pot Luck with the best of them without surpassing the cooking skills of a 10 year old.

1. Rolled up Balls of Cookie Dough
People like cookies, but approximately 99% of people like raw cookie dough way more. (I made up this statistic. It`s probably correct though.)  But you can`t just bring a tube of pre-made store bought cookie dough to a party because that`s really tacky. So what you do is buy the tube of pre-made cookie dough and then roll it into little balls and arrange nicely on a plate that doesn`t showcase the fact that you`re poor.
*Super Fun Twist*
If you, like me, have had a few too many bellinis from Milestones and have been collecting the colourful little plastic animals they put on top, this is a perfect opportunity to put them to use. Place them firmly in the cookie dough balls for a funtastic treat! If you don`t have any little plastic animals, improvise. Be creative. The sky is the limit!

2. Kraft Dinner with Little Pieces of Hot Dog
Prepare two boxes of Kraft Dinner. Follow the instructions or don`t, it`s your call.  Make some hot dogs. Cooking method is not important for the hot dogs.  Quantity is also up to your discretion. After the hot dogs have been cooked all the way through, cut them up so they make little hot dog circles. Place the hot dog circles in the Kraft Dinner and stir half-heartedly.  No need to overexert yourself.  Place in serving dish that doesn`t showcase the fact that your poor.
* Vegetarian Twist*
Do not add little pieces of hot dog
*Note*
Also makes for a good hangover snack the next day.

3. Bacon
Other people will try and outdo you by make something fancy and then wrapping it with bacon, but why mess with a classic? Everybody loves bacon.

4. 1960`s Jello Cake With Fruit Chunks
This dessert is both over and under-rated.  It is entirely possible that nobody will eat it, but everyone will appreciate you for bringing it. I have not used this one yet.  Feel free to let me know how it works out.

Moral of the story:  Being a grown-up is about facing new responsibilities and trying new things, but we all long for reminders of our youth.  If we really think hard, being young wasn`t all that great, and we spent most of the time wishing we were grown-ups.  Adults get to take the best-of moments and find some campy way of bringing it back to life and sharing it with others who need to be reminded of just how special the Garbage Pail Kids were.  Grown-ups will tell you that we hate Call Me Maybe and we only dance to it to be ironic, but deep down we dance to it because it`s fun to be young without all the bullshit. 

Glee: Spirit Fingers in Social Context

I was in the bathtub thinking about how much I love baths.  In my head I thought "Mmmm.... Baaaaaths..." like the way Homer Simpson thinks about donuts or bacon.  But then that led me to a Hanson version, which went like "MMM BATHS, BA BA DOO BATHS, A DIBBY AH BA DOO BATHS, BA BA DOOOO..."  And then bath time became kind of like a party!

Fact: I think in music.  I am always rewriting my favourite songs to fit every day activities.  Like that time that I changed Fleetwood Mac`s classic hit "Go Your Own Way" to "Go Urinate".  Or a few weeks ago when I sang my entire work day to the tune of "Mambo # 5".  I guess it actually started back when I was about 9 and my Ballet carpooling buddy and I created the great masterpiece entitled *"Wind Beneath MyButt".  My life is a musical, and I`m pretty pleased about that. 

I think this is why I`m such a die-hard Gleek. Some people think it`s silly and unrealistic how they`re always randomly breaking out into song.  But for people like me an episode of Glee is just a typical day, only with more talent, better production quality, and fewer fart references.  (Actually the fart jokes pretty much stopped after we nailed the Bette Midler ballad.)  So what if I have a bunch of imaginary back up dancers when I brush my teeth, and I may or may not occasionally tap-dance while engaging in conversation.  (That second one actually happens kind of a lot.  Every day I`m shuffling!)  I only wish I could make it so that everyone I run into each day could somehow have shiny colour co-ordinated outfits, like for theatrical impact.

I have an intense sentimental attachment to music.  It reminds me of people I love, and precious moments in life.  It has been a catalyst for fun times, and helped shape and/or figure out who I am.  Music is a form of self-expression because every situation in life, good or bad, has its own corresponding soundtrack.  Music has special superpowers, and is frequently used for therapeutic and healing purposes.  It has even been used as a tool for peace-building and conflict resolution.  Music is probably my number 3 favourite thing after beagles and facebook, and tied with Quentin Tarantino.

It`s a bit unfortunate that I was born completely devoid of musical talent.  Although that didn`t stop me from almost scoring a recording contract in Australia for a song I wrote about living in a hostel.  I`m kind of a big deal in Melbourne, which you could probably tell from the part about how I was living in a hostel.  Sadly our duo had to break up immediately after the only time we ever performed it because of artistic differences.  (And because he was trash talking my girl Lea Michele.)  You know how it is.  But I still keep the dream alive that one day Ryan Murphy will catch me singing Don`t Stop Believing in the shower and then come up to me and say "WE NEED YOU ON GLEE STAT!"  Why, I`d be so excited I`d forget it was weird that Ryan Murphy was stalking me in the shower!

Moral of the story: If you have the imagination to add a little razzle dazzle to your every day life, embrace it.  The world needs more harmony.  And spirit fingers.  

*As kind of a funny aside, one time several years after the Ballet carpooling days I was meeting up with that same ballerina friend for drinks.  I texted her, and in my message left some kind of reference to Wind Beneath My Butt, thinking I was being cute.  The funny part was that she had actually got a new phone and I didn`t have the updated number, so I ended up sending the Wind Beneath My Butt text to some random stranger who responded with "Umm... What!"

Oh, and P.S.- Sorry for getting Hanson stuck in everybody`s heads.  

For an archive of all the fun imaginary songs I can remember check out this page which I just created.

Invisibility: On Looting and Pillaging and the Rise of a New World Order

The world of science was rocked this week by the brilliant masterminds of Duke University`s Nathan Landy and David R. Smith.  Thanks to these guys and their ability to manipulate light or microwaves or whatever, the world is one step closer to succumbing to the Republic of Dumbledore.  That`s right, they just figured out what Hollywood mastered in 1933: Invisibility.  So, now that man has successfully made a cylinder disappear, it`s only a matter of time before we`re all assaulting each other to get our hands on our own cheap personal invisibility smocks at the nearest Wal-Mart.  Scientists, Fuck Yeah!

But with such close technological proximity to perfect invisibility, we can assume that the authorities are already trying to figure out how to destroy fun.  Politicians are no doubt preemptively drafting legislation criminalizing invisibility cloaks due to the inevitable descent into anarchy that would result from mass invisibility. So before the man takes away our right to dream, it`s time to get real and discuss the funtastic adventures that are about to be made possible.

I decided to do a poll to see what  everyone would do with this coveted superpower.  After some consultation and preliminary data analysis, I have broken down the possibilities into four main categories: Mischief, prosperity, voyeurism, and indulgence.

1. Mischief: You could haunt people and make your nemeses totally batshit  without all the inconvenience of being dead.  Let`s face it, the only real problem with being a ghost is the bit about having to snuff it.  Otherwise it`s awesome.  Well, problem solved. So go forth and give some asshole a nice good mind fucking.  It`ll be hilarious!

2. Prosperity: Co-ordinate and carry out unnecessarily elaborate bank heists.  Then give all the money to charity.  Then steal money from people you don`t like it and keep it.  I spoke to an engineer who thought this was a terrible idea because the money wouldn`t be invisible and you`d probably end up getting caught and dying in a Bonnie & Clyde style bullet shower.  But obviously you would hide the money under the invisibility cloak so that it would be invisible too.  Duh!  Scientists are just no good at problem solving.  That`s why the world needs us Arts students.  Anyway, he suggested sitting in on some Fortune 500 company`s finance meetings to get some hot insider trading info.  My main concern with that idea is that it wouldn`t be as fun to do crazy invisible ninja moves as it would with the bank heist method.  Nevertheless, money`s money and the modus operandi is completely up to you.

3. Voyeurism: Find out if that girl you`re smitten with has a shrine in your honour in her bedroom that she worships every night before pleasuring herself.  Or, sneak into the homes of sexy celebrities and spy on them in the shower.  If you`re into that kind of thing.  Which I`m not, because I find spying on people really creepy and if you vote for this one I`m deleting you off facebook because you`re probably a creep.  Not to mention the fact that I also don`t necessarily want to see the kinds of things that Zach Braff does when he thinks he`s alone, mainly because I`m worried that it could potentially ruin Zach Braff for me. I`m not prepared to sacrifice his perfection or tarnish the integrity of "Scrubs" in any way.  So I`ll just stick to the ZB shrine.  (Just kidding. As previously confessed my bedroom shrine is reserved for the United Nations Secretary Generals.)

4. Indulgence: Of course there`s the obvious hopping on planes to see the world, or sneaking into movie theatres so you can be the first to see "American Pie 87: My Great Great Grandchildren are Jerking off with Baked Goods and Woodwind Instruments... Again".  But you could also take gluttony to a whole new level and make fat pants a thing of the past.  When you`re bloated and disgusting you don`t have to worry about people judging you on your gross poutine stained elastic waist jogging pants.  Go steal another wad of chocolate chip cookie dough and just give er! (Did that sound Canadian?  That totally sounded Canadian!)

Moral of the story: Science is awesome, and why are we worrying about China when Hogwartz is the real threat to American hegemony?  Seriously, I just discovered today that my city has its own Quidditch league, but no discernible public transit system.  Is nobody else threatened by the fact that pretty soon all of our research money will be contributed to figuring out how to turn ourselves into cats?  And quidditch?!  Really?! Because a game that involves running around on a broom is obviously not lame at all.  On the other hand, beats the hell out of hockey!

History of Invisibility: 1933- Score one for the arts kids!

Siri: The Worst Technological Advance Since... Ever

I am a connoisseur of crappy phones.  I have had a magnificent series of six cell phones that are less useful than those Fisher Price phones from 1962 with blue wheels and a giant creepy happy face that says "age 3 and up" on the box. (Okay, I just checked and it`s actually age one and up, but who`s counting?) The point is, these phones are designed for people who have not yet developed to the stage of verbal communication, and they are still better than all of my crappy phones.  This is probably because my strategy for purchasing a telephone goes as follows:

INT. TELECOMMUNICATIONS RETAIL OUTLET- DAY
Me: "Please point to your cheapest phone."
Sales representative points to piece of shit that obviously won`t work because it pre-dates the invention of fire.
Me: "I will take that one please!"

Sometimes I get jealous of people who have cool phones that do tricks like connect to the internet, or download apps, or send and receive text messages, or ring when somebody calls you...  But I don`t need all those bells and whistles.  In all honesty I`m just not a phone kind of girl.  The only reason I even got one in the first place was so that employers could contact me.  And now that I have a job it`s only real purpose is texting Kate every time I see a cute boy wearing a suit.  (Although I can`t even do that anymore because my texting functions have inexplicably ceased :s)  So in general I don`t really care that you left me a voicemail three days ago which I didn`t get because my phone is so crappy that it had no way of indicating to me that it happened. If it`s that important you should have just sent me a message on facebook.

One so-called "development" in telecommunications that makes me NOT regret my refusal to upgrade is Siri. Apple marketing cleverly conveyed this as a tool that enables you to find information more efficiently.  However, as we have all now figured out, it is pretty much exclusively designed to say funny shit when you ask it about penises and not be helpful in any practical way.  One of the many reasons Steve Jobs is considered a legend I suppose.

Perhaps my anti-Siri mentality stems from the fact that the first time I was introduced to her was when my friend asked a question about me and she responded with some kind of poop reference.  Cass thought it was funny.  I thought Siri was an asshole.  So Cass made another attempt to ask Siri a question about me, and again Siri made another poop reference.  I have hated Siri ever since.

Due to my undying contempt for Siri it has been impossible for me to remain objective in my opinions of her value to society.  But I believe a recap of Kate`s discussion this afternoon with Siri will speak for itself.

Kate: Siri, where is the closest Tim Hortons?
Siri: I have located five airports nearby. Would you like to know where they are?
Kate: No, Siri. Where is the closest Tim Hortons?
Siri: There are two K-Marts, but neither is very close.  Would you like to know where they are?
Kate: God damnit Siri you fucking suck you stupid piece of shit!!!!
Siri: Have I done something wrong?
Kate: Yes you stupid dumb bitch.
Siri: I`m sorry, I`m doing my best.
Kate: Oh, now I feel bad... Siri, where is the nearest Tim Hortons?...

Moral of the story: Even though my phone serves no practical function whatsoever, and in fact is so useless that it won`t even let me change the time settings for daylight savings, at least it doesn`t compare me to poop.  And that`s good enough for me!

Better than my phone.

My phone

My phone trying to send a text message

My phone when I tried to adjust for daylight savings time